


Untitled thoughts pt.1

by supernavy97



Series: DBSK/TVXQ/JYJ [1]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Band Fic, Emoshinki, OT5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 20:15:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14626230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernavy97/pseuds/supernavy97
Summary: 2010 was a year none of them will ever be able to forget. However, for how absurd it could seem, it was also the least painful: it was all too sudden, too unexpected for the reactions to be immidiate. The real struggle began after, when the storm had already passed, and the streets weren’t full of cameras anymore.When silence fell down on the legends that had enchanted millions of hearts with their incredible voices, then the suffering, melanchony and regrets _sometimes_ began too.When the stage suddently became so big and names started to escape from lips, by chance, by a common habit, then it truly became real what until then had only seemed a nightmare.2010 – ?“I will be here forever.Even now, I am right here,Believing in the day that we will meet again”.





	1. to die, to sleep, to dream

[1/5]  
Changmin

****

 

**Untitled thougths part. 1**

-  to die, to sleep, to dream  -

 

 

Changmin had never thought about the possibility of being a singer: when he was 10-years-old, someone else had already decided that for him and he never had the chance to reflect, to choose, to search for his way in the world.

He accepted a future he didn’t feel his. Maybe because of compassion for that mother that prayed him on her knees, garanteeing him success, maybe because his mates looked so happy with their choice that he slightly envied that sincere expectation. And so, without lingering too much on his doubts, he started to walk that road, following someone else’s footprints; the horizon, however, was still blurry and the boy promised himself to draw its borders by himself, even though art had never been his vocation.

Changmin learns step by step, and with the passing of time he begins to appreciate that voice that comes out melodic from his lips, that voice he never gave importance to, but that now enchantes the ears and hearts of millions of people.

He learns the meaning of work, resistance, pain; he searches on a dictionary the words he doesn’t remember or those he never knew, and asks for explications for the ones that even after a definition, he still doesn’t manage to comprehend. It is what happens with “dream”, his eyebrows arch and a confused expression paints his young face, until a familiar hand caresses his shoulder and a sweet voice reveals him the most obvious of the secrets.  
But when Changmin starts to dream, the world around him decides that it’s too late and it suddently turns against him.  
It rips away his happiness and those emotions he had just discovered, leaving him alone with uncertainties and a neverending waterfall of transparent tears.

Changmin has lost his “Instruction manual for life” and even after years he still has to remind himself not to look back, that it is too painful and he doesn’t want to suffer anymore. He notes down on a new textbook the things he has to avoid, the dangerous ones, those that risk breaking him apart. Memories, however, come back on their own, against his will, and he bites his lips trying to resist them, but the demons sleeping in his memory are too strong. And he kills himself, Changmin, the boy pretending to be a man, among the waves of the past, in an abyss so deep that even the sunrays cannot reach it.

The dark colour scares him and he doesn’t manage to name that fear that is eating him from the inside. He looks for a single ray of light, a track to follow to get out of the desperation he has fallen into.

But in the gloom of loneliness, fireflies do not shine.


	2. when the sun shines

[2/5]  
Jaejoong

****

**Untitled thougths part. 1**

\- when the sun shines -

 

 

Jaejoong is coming home under a starless sky that evening, a dark blanket covers the metropolis above him, but no lights seem willing to appear.  
He walks slowly, dragging his feet step by step, almost dropping over everything he runs into. His mind is somewhere else, floating in the fresh night air, lost throught the memories and a past that keeps knocking on his door, claiming its place in a present nobody would have thought of, a present nobody wanted.

He’s fighting, but nobody sees him, nobody notices the desperate look of those who would like to give up in order to get out of the endless sufference, but who cannot because the final goal has to be achieved, at any cost. He raises his eyes to the sky, wondering the reason of that much pain: from the continuos fights to the separation, to their faces further and further away and that name which he isn’t allowed to say, but that even today escaped from his lips.  
Because it’s not right _anymore_ , it’s not _them_ anymore.  
But Jaejoong holds on, clenches his teeth and goes on, chasing that dream he doesn’t want to give up yet.

They are three, but it feels like something is always missing: sometimes the smiles around him are so sincere that for a moment he forgets, sometimes the grip on his hand is so tight that the thought is suffocated. But they are all illusions, useless attempts to hide a reality that is right in front of them, impossible to be avoided, and when he wakes up at dawn and there isn’t anybody ready to bring him to his fake world yet, reality overpowers him and it hurts, it hurts so damn much.

They are still there, together and alone, marble sculptures and flowered trees trying in vain to touch the sky again; he punches his chest, there where it beats, and reminds himself of that faith he must keep, of how everything will come back as it was, as it is meant to be.

When he finally does come back home, however, his invisible sheld break, late in the night as at dawn, legs fail to support him and the large bed in that fancy room turns into his grave. Jaejoong almost doesn’t manage to breathe, tears start falling down in rivers and slide down his cheeks before wetting the soft pillow on the bed. He gasps and his chest follows his movements: it raises and lowers, confused, without following a steady rhythm. He’s short of breath and the reddish eyes are constantly winked: to lessen the pain, maybe, but they have the opposite effect.  
The ethereal skin gets irratated by the continous rubbings and the blankets have become ghosts to fight against: invisible, undefeatable.

Jaejoong suffers in silence, alone, when he knows there is nobody he can lean on, nobody that could help him get away: he suffers when his memories come alive and he cannot tell fantasy from reality anymore.  
Jaejoong suffers when he knows he can’t be saved.

He punches himself from the interior, breaking the soul caged inside his body: he _rejects_ himself.  
He rejects himself from blood to bones, from virtues to flaws, that smile so beautiful and that spirit so kind.  
He rejects his past, his mistakes, the decisions made and the ones that were not; those hands that maybe just had to be stretched a little bit more to reach _them_.  
He rejects the sun that keeps lightening his face, the happy memories he doesn’t feel _his_ anymore, and again the hidden looks, the jokes, the laughts and those melodies that keep on hyphnotizing his ears: they rock him during the night and they keep him company during the day, following him everywhere. And every time he believes he has managed to get rid of them, they come back, always, like a sonor boomerang, unable to go away. They wisper during his crisis and even when the sedatives don’t work, they do, performing a miracle, like water in the desert.

The war in his mind stops and Jaejoong manages to finally calm down: his breath becomes regular and the spasms come to an end, as well as the tears.  
He dries his face, still wet, and the world around him stops spinning while pictures get into focus and the visions he created come back to his subconscious, falling asleep for now.  
He crounches on the ground and closes his eyes.  
He tries to think of a future, any kind of, as long as it allows himself to look forward.  
He brings his hand to his chest, there where it beats, and squeezes it, hinting a tremble smile.

 

 

_Without a doubt, tomorrow will come._

_I just want to tell you that tomorrow will always come._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Without a doubt, tomorrow will come.  
I just want to tell you that tomorrow will always come".  
Asu wa kuru kara - DBSK


	3. when you say nothing but all

Yoochun  
[3/5] 

 ****

****

**Untitled thougths part. 1**

\- when you say nothing but all -

 

 

Yoochun moves his fingers on the keyboard, slowly, going from white keys to darker ones with confident and harmonic moves, following the imaginary scheme he reads on the penthagram in the scores in front of him. Those same scores that always leave him with a bitter aftertaste he doesn’t manage to let go of.  
He closes his eyes while the melody becomes more vivace, more intense, and hands start moving faster, getting used to the new rhythm; old concerns go away, disappearing in a cloud of smoke, while a sweet serenity fights its way into the room, driving away the heaviness that was previously floating in the air.

He realises it and relaxes a little bit, listening to his emotions be turned into music.  
He talks a lot, Yoochun, and he doesn’t as well, but just a few have managed to comprehend the real meaning of his strange silences; just a few have managed to notice when his eyes were begging for help, but his lips were shut, when a laugh was hiding a cry and words were never enough to express the wholeness of what he was carring inside.  
Singing allowed him to pour out his feelings, to let go, but it was nothing more than a short break, the calm before the storm, and now, overpowered by the storms of his life, he is facing a reality too real, too close to himself, now unharmed.

Singing hurts, now.  
Laughting burns his throat, crying chokes his eyes and breathing asphyxiates him.  
He thought athsma was horrible: the air fighting to enter his lungs, unsuccessfully, while he yearned for his life. But this, _this_ , was even worse: the air managed to enter and there it stayed, stagnating, before going out and coming back in even dirtier.  
  
Yoochun would like to fight, to find a way to survive, but Jaejoong keeps on saying that there’s no meaning in surviving if you don’t manage to live afterward, and he doesn’t know who to believe anymore, who to rely on, who to love.  
He looks around himself and he sees his mates falling with him: he would like to help them, but his boat is probably the one that’s embarking most water and how could he save others when he’s the first one that’s drowing?

The rhythm slows down and his movements with it, until it stops in the wink of an eye.  
He gets up, closing the keyboard and laying on the bed. Nightime has come a while ago, but that evening the sugary taste of music almost hid old scars, like during spring when cherry petals cover the streets of the capital, bringing a hint of light in the still frozen weather.  
The dream, however, goes away: midnight rings and the spell breaks, bringing back to life old phantoms and torturing him again with that past that he doesn't let go of and deep inside he knows it isn’t even what he wants.  
Deep inside he knows he just wants to take the remoter of his life and go back in time.  
Deep inside he knows, Yoochun, that he will never be able to forget.


	4. what's a name

Yunho  
[4/5]

****

**Untitled thougths part. 1**

\- what’s a name -

 

 

Yunho shivers in the cold winter that has frozen Seoul; he tightens the grip on his coat and clenches his teeth, adjusting the scarf around his neck.  
Seasons has changed faster this year and the boy hadn’t even had the the time to put away summer clothes that the wind was already blowing through the streets of the capital.

He enters in a small bar and relaxes, listening to the sweet melody coming from the stereo: how odd though, he didn’t think they were still broadcasting that song.  
In a few moments, however, something changes: memories reappear in the back of his mind, witnesses of a past seretiny, and old voices, never forgotten, harmonize with the music playing in the peaceful bar. And that is it: his nails start to dig into his delicate skin with a bit too much strenght, trying to hold back emotions, but leaving a clear mark on the dark complexion.

Yunho doesn’t cry, he has never had, not even when reality turned into a nightmare and tears were struggling in his eyes, willing to be shed. However, no tear managed to escape from the dark eyes of the boy and his body, one way at a time, had become a prison of feelings, too small to endure the burden he was carrying along.

Being a leader isn’t just a name or a role; Yunho felt a leader with every bone, every organ, every single drop of blood. When his mates had addressed him one day, telling him how they couldn’t endure it any longer, that things had to change or they would have exploded, he tried to do the impossible and challenged that fate that had made kings out of them, before deciding it was their time to fall and dethroned them.  
He tried, Yunho, he really tried not to let everything break into pieces, but the string that was keeping them together had suffered too much and when it broke, they all broke with it.

Yunho doesn’t cry, even if he really would like to; but he can’t, he simply can’t.  
He has to resist: for Changmin that has decided to stay, to take forward their dream, despite the problems and the uncertainces.  
For Jaejoong that every night suffocates his moans between the pillows, screaming his name again and again. That same name he doesn’t hear that much anymore, but that he always reads through the lyrics of his songs.  
For Yoochun, who is becoming an actor and whom he would like to encourage, to support, to be able to tell to “I am here”.  
And for Junsu that he misses so much in the new chorus, too long for Changmin’s voice alone. Junsu, who he doesn’t hear joking anymore, whose weird laugh he cannot seem to remember.

Yunho feels a leader beyond any limit and he fights against the instinct to cry, to let go, to be overwhelmed by all those emotions that are haunting him. He will, but not yet.  
He’s holding back, waiting for the moment in which everything will come back as it was and their stage won’t feel so small anymore. Only then will he stop fighting and the tears will be so warm they will melt the snow covering Seoul. Even the snow that was falling that far away December night, when everyone was locked inside their houses, enjoying the gifts of the just-passed Christmas, but not them. They were becoming legends, that far away December night.

And no one noticed how incredibly white was the snow that year, almost perfect.


	5. tomorrow

Junsu  
[5/5]

****

**Untitled thougths part. 1**

-  tomorrow  -

 

 

Junsu had never thought that a laugh could hurt so much, but while he’s watching an old reality in the big villa in Jeju, something tightens around his heart and makes his lips tremble and his eyes wet. The smile he sees printed on his old self surprises him and he almost doesn’t recognize himself in those chubby cheeks and in that warm voice that now enchantes the public. Some seconds pass before a voice joins his and then another and another one until they create a perfect harmony that gives him the strenght he needs to reach the higher notes, the special ones.  
While the song is getting to an end, the audience stands up and claps for their exihibition which left the whole studio close to tears.  
There is an awkward feeling moving inside his chest and Junsu doesn’t have the strenghts to lie anymore: it’s nostalgia.  
He has always felt it, even when they moved the first steps from that home that had promised them fielty, but that had treated them like slaves, that had tricked them with futile lies.

At the beginning he was convinced it was something temporary, something time would have healed, sewing the skin where it was ripped. But time hasn’t done its job and wounds are still open and they still hurt, so damn much.  
At the beginning he believed it was because of the novelty, of the sudden reality he found himself be dragged into, so strange, so incompatible.  
But now he has finally realised what it is, what is that lack he has always felt inside but avoided to protect himself.   
The emptiness he’s now feeling is unmistakable and even Jaejoong’s sweet words wouldn’t fill it.  
Jaejoong, he lies too.  
He lies at night when he thinks his moans are hidden by the obscurity, as if the darkness could cover everything, even sounds; maybe he truly believes that, but the confidence he wears is nothing more than a mask and sooner or later he will have to take it down.  
And even Yoochun lies.  
He lies during the day when he thinks people are less careful, their looks less inquisitorial; maybe he truly believes that, but his hands are always so insecure and his eyelids tremble before singing.  
Junsu used to lie but he was probably the one who lied the least, because deep inside he knew that memories would have always been there, staring at him, _waiting for him_.

And Junsu, now, doesn’t know in which illusion fall into; he doesn’t even know if it is worth to keep on lying or if it would be better to finally face that pain they have being hiding for so long. That pain that was the only evidence of what they had been and of what they would have wanted to keep on being.  
A little meow distracts him from his thoughts and only now does he realise that he has been holding his breath; he inhales the fresh air of that sunny afternoon, relaxing on the leather counch. He takes the little tiger kitten and brings him on his lap, caressing him, while a pair of dark eyes stares back at him, telling him that there is no meaning in holding back.  
 _Let it go_ , they scream, _cry_ , they whisper.

Junsu doesn’t know how he manages to get on a stage, alone, a pink shade on his hair and a familiar melody on his lips. He remember, however, the surprise on his mates’ faces when they heard him rehearsing and the songs he was singing were the same they used to sing.  
He remembers Jaejoong’s fear and Yoochun’s doubts, but Junsu doesn’t feel like lying anymore, Junsu moves on, and the old ballads have a new taste now: as melancholic as newly incredibly warm.  
Words flow on their own and there is a moment in which emotions are too much for his heart, so overwhelmed: he lets go and cries, choking on some words and listening to the fans keeping the rhythm in his place.  
Time stops reevoking long forgotten smiles and he truly hopes that the others will be able to follow him, to move on.  
Closing the past and opening a new future.

Because Junsu knows it now: their future promises a clear sky.


	6. faith

**Untitled thougths part. 1**

-  faith  -

 

 

When Jaejoong gets on the stage of the chaotic Tokyo, a cry of excitement raises from the big arena, while the olympic stadium turns into a red ocean in the darkness of the night.  
Adrenaline runs through his veins, burning, while he anxiously waits for the beginning of the show. A sudden fear, however, pervades him: _will it go well?_  
Yoochun’s reassurances keep on echoing in his head, but his feelings betray him, as always, and his insecurity raises once again: _will it really go well?_

He breathes deeply and tries to calm down while getting closer and closer to the middle of the stage, where a microphone awaits for him, the only furniture in that place so big and so intimate at the same time.  
He looks at the screaming crowd before raising a finger to his mouth and putting it to sleep with a simple gesture. The big stadium trembles with excitement, in silence, looking at the guy’s face on the big screen and waiting for his voice to open the concert.  
Jaejoong doesn’t talk, but stares at his ocean instead: so warm, _today_ , so strong.  
He doesn’t talk, but thinks instead: he recalls.  
Closing his eyes, he sees a foreign country, a foreign language, an audience rejecting them; he feels the pain, the fatigue, the fear. But he also feels their faith and perseverance and the strenght they must have had to believe in  _today_.  
  
He listens to his own voice shaking as he starts singing the old melody, the one they left their crowd with, and the one they are welcoming them back with, now.  
The once closed eyes now open, looking at the surprised crowd in front of him: the rhythm becomes more and more alive and Jaejoong let himself flow with it, confident, _relying_ on the smiles he’s looked back at, _believing_ in the eyes full of tears he sees himself reflected into.  
And he has just realised, Jaejoong, that they’re tears of joy.  
The first verse ends and it’s suddently followed by another one and Jaejoong is even more excited than before as he walks back some steps, waiting.  
Yunho comes out from the backstage opening the great curtains and singing the melody that Jaejoong had just started.  
There was a single cry, strong and determined, that filled the big arena for some seconds: it was a cry of surprise, a cry of happiness. Of that long wait finally awarded, of that hope finally turned into reality instead of a slogan to scream during hard times.  
Jaejoong is proud of who he has become, he’s proud of his spectators, the true ones, those who have never stopped listening to him, following him, supporting him.  
It was a short cry, but intense, after which the voices that were once screaming, joined in the calm and light melody they were singing.  
Changmin entered without anyone noticing, but they all feel his presence now and in a brief moment it fills years of absence and that place at Jaejoong’s left that Yoochun had just borrowed and that now, walking on the same stage again, gives him back.  
Junsu joins them just in time for the chorus, laughing, and filling the formation that for far too long had been incompleted.

 _“I will be here forever._  
Even now, I am right here,  
Believing in the day we will meet again”.

That day that has somehow come and of which he now breathes the air and whose taste is so sweet that in a moment it erases all the years of suffering.  
And when, finally, hands connect again, eyes search for others between the notes of those songs they so much loved and the memories stop being so painful: Jaejoong’s smile has never been so beautiful.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

Nb:   
_“I will be here forever._  
Even now, I am right here,  
Believing in the day we will meet again”.

Stand by U - DBSK (which also was last DBSK performance together as five).


End file.
